Life Didn't Turn Out The Way I Thought It Would...

As I grew up, I realized what I wanted and didn't want from life.  It wasn't till I was thirty-five, I realized I was living life in reaction to my father.  I wanted what he had without paying the price he paid.  But this is not a choice, it's a reaction.  That was the year I began to design my life and live my choices.  Fifteen years later, I again realized I was living in reaction and it was hidden under a truck load of denial.  So I got to work on that.  Today I have a life that is unrecognizable.  I don't think like I thought I would.  I don't feel like I thought I would.  I don't look like I thought I would.  My marriage is not as I imagined it would be.  My parenting is not what I thought it would be.  My relationship to time, money and love are all different than I thought they would be.

This all sounds like it would lead to a lot of disappointment, regret, insecurity and anxiety.  But it has not.  I find myself present and at peace.  I notice I am calm and resilient in the face of challenges.  I have a feeling of both safety and security.  I am whole.  I like and enjoy myself.  I have healed and transformed my life.  I am the best version of myself, and I had no idea it would look anything like this.  

But isn't that what an amazing life would be?  A path to discovery and integration?  A journey of magic, miracles and discovery?  I will admit it has been uncomfortable at times.  But as long as I keep growing and getting new knowledge, skills and experience, my life is fun, satisfying and powerful.  

You are likely on a similar path of self discovery.  Some days hard and some days joyful.  But like we cannot control the wind, we cannot control the outcomes in our lives.  This is not to say you should give up hope.  On the contrary, set an intention, write down your vision, assess your resources and make an action plan.  My garage has a box full of posters from all the plans I have made over the years.  Only some of them worked.  But they all got me to this moment.  And I am having a great time in this moment being present to all the blessings in life and aware of all the life I have yet to live.  I wake up excited to discover who and what I get to explore and partner with today.  All of it informs my experience of life.  

I work on my psychology so as to be the most conscious I can be.  I take on my emotional intelligence so I can have the full range of emotions in my life.  I bring the full power of my being into this moment so I can have the experience of living a purposeful life.  There is ease, but it's not easy.  There is flow but it is not effortless.  But is it all worth it?  It is.  By a mile.  I love my life.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Because all of it forms the journey of a life time.  And like traveling anywhere, there are things to see and do, as well as consequences to deal with along the way. 


March 2019